Let me set the scene for you. It’s mid July and i’m driving the Okanagan connector (Highway 97C) towards Kelowna on a beautiful sunny summers day. But despite the glorious weather and the fact that I am driving without kids (insert loud hallelujah here) and on my way to visit a dear friend my mood was anything but sunny. For most of the 3 hour drive thus far my mind had been consumed with a thousand million negative thoughts – mostly related to overwhelming self-doubt and a lack of self confidence in just about every. single. aspect. of my life – work, parenting, blogging, relationships, friendships, you name it.
Many of these self doubts had been lingering for months and it seemed like every part of my life was in turmoil. My eldest son has been have some serious challenges this past year. Some dear friends were going through some dark, terrible times. My own relationship was in shambles. My blogging career was, well, non existent. Work was becoming 99.99% mega-stressful and I dreaded sitting at my desk each morning. Even my happy place (mountain biking) was becoming a source of anxiety for me after a few big crashes.
I was lost. I was stressed. I was NOT happy.
But as I drove, and as I went over the summit and down the highway towards Okanagan Lake it suddenly hit me. At this exact moment I was thinking about a new-ish blogging friend of mine (who shall remain unnamed but just know that you had a big impact on me in this moment) and how she has told me frequently how grateful she is to have the life she has despite the fact that “on paper” she hasn’t reached her career or blogging or fitness or parenting goals…yet.
There was no major philosophical moment, more like a huge A-HA and then, BAM!!! I just let all this sh*t go….
I had this instantaneous moment of pure gratitude that where I am at in life right now is totally ok and I don’t need to have everything figured out. That i’m sooooo lucky that I can pick one priority (my family) to focus on, because really, without them what life would I have? And it was like a 300lb weight suddenly lifted from my proverbial shoulders. It was time to stop comparing myself unfairly to others. It was time to stop being so self critical. It was time to stop feeling like a fraud and to value my worth. It was time to just focus on my family and relationships and that is enough for now. It was time for me to realize how f*cking fortunate I am to be able to not give a sh*t for awhile about work or blogging and be ok (at least financially).
This was almost 6 weeks ago and i’m still feeling really good and really grateful. My first priority is still my family and that was the BEST decision I could have made. I’ve been living in the moment more, i’ve laughed more, i’ve connected more. I’ve really enjoyed spending lots of time with my kids. Back to school is around the corner and work is starting to buzz again and I don’t have that old feeling of dread. So going forward, when I feel those negative thoughts creep back into my head I will think of that moment on Highway 97C and I will practice gratitude and I will just let that sh*t go……