Why I will never love my body

September 8, 2016

I know, I know. I think I am sort of beating a dead horse here with this post but today we were prompted by a wise woman who challenged a group of us to be completely and utterly honest about something in our lives. And since my body and body image seems to consume 90% of my daily thoughts (and not in a positive way) I thought I should just lay this all out here for once and for all.

I don’t love my body. In fact, I barely like it most days and that is so frustrating.

It's impossibe to love yourself when comparing yourself to chickas like this one. Thanks stock photo site. NOT!

It’s impossible to love yourself when comparing yourself to chickas like this one. Thanks stock photo site. NOT!

Every single week I see an inspiring post on Facebook with women who are proudly displaying their post-baby bods, and saying f**k you to society and the unrealistic expectations that are placed on us women to look a certain way. And I say this because society/celebrity/magazines have definitely done a number on me and the expectations I place on myself (despite the fact that I am a frequent Photoshop user for work and I know how much of it is lighting and digital touch-ups).

I have tried. I have REALLY tried to turn things around mentally especially this past year and half while I have been working with my amazing trainer. On paper, I have made incredible progress despite my post-baby diastasis rectii and my post accident neck and back issues. I’ve talked about these mental struggles with body image in previous posts, i’ve talked about the fact that I know I am down 14 pounds (although most in face and boobs lol), 12% body fat and 2 pant sizes since I began (I am 5’10”). I have way more lean muscle. I can pretty much eat (and drink) what I want and not gain. But I do have to work for it, and work for it hard.

But despite all this, why is it that I look in the mirror and see the same person (14 pounds heavier and 12% body fat-ter)??

I can’t push myself much harder. My body is already at the breaking point. Yesterday was supposed to be a rest day but instead I went and checked out a slighty killer Orange Theory Fitness class (post to follow tomorrow!). I ache, a lot. I work out, a lot. There isn’t much more time for more. Yes my diet could be MUCH better (as I sit here sitting a milky sweet latte) but life to me is about enjoying the small pleasures (food, and lots of it!) and I don’t want to deny myself that.

But I do have to stop the comparisons. Stop comparing myself to my 20 something pre-kids, world champion level athlete self. Stop comparing myself to unrealistic images in magazines. And stop comparing myself to others in my life who are just a lot smaller than I am – I am 5’10” and i’ll never be a size 2 (or 4 or 6) and that’s got to be ok with me.

I am getting closer to liking my body, and respecting it for what it can do. One day I hope to love it too.

The only "full length" mirror we have is in the front hall lol so this will have to do. I am NOT ready to show the world my stomach yet. Sadly I am not that brave.

The only “full length” mirror we have is in the front hall lol so this will have to do. I am NOT ready to show the world my stomach yet. Sadly I am not that brave. My usual M.O. is to hide under baggy hoodies and tops, trying to break that habit (and have a great excuse to shop for new clothes!!)

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  • Reply Greg September 8, 2016 at 2:34 pm

    I say this with the utmost love – You’re an idiot. You look great, and always have looked great, and will probably always look great just like every Day woman that we are related to. You hit the genetic lottery like the rest of them (my daughters included ).

    Your loving brother.

    • Reply Christine September 9, 2016 at 4:25 pm

      Thanks big bro. I know it’s stupid and not rational but i’m working on it. Love your idiot sister

  • Reply Kim September 8, 2016 at 4:57 pm

    I relate so much to the to the struggles with body image and self-perception. I spent so many years being down on myself because I have always struggled with my weight. I made peace with myself a couple of years ago, though, and I am glad I did. I stopped thinking and saying mean things to myself and resolved to speak to myself like I would one of my friends. I will never be a size 4. Heck, I will likely never be a size 12 again. But I am OK with that, as long as I am treating myself well and taking care of me. (Having said that, I do need to get on the treadmill a little more often to balance all the good, taking-care-of-me-food I enjoy. LOL).

    • Reply Christine September 9, 2016 at 4:27 pm

      Thanks for the note Kim. Maybe some of this comes from the fact that I have always been taller (and bigger) than most of my friends even from an early age (i’m 5’10”) so somehow I just have always thought of myself a certain way?! I’m hoping to find the perfect balance and peace one day…sigh.

  • Reply Hillary Westover September 8, 2016 at 7:33 pm

    I’m right there with you, lady. I *know* I’m so much more than how I look but I STILL WANT TO LOOK GOOD, DAMMIT. For what it’s worth, I think you’re smokin’ hot and I think it’s a very brave step to admit to the feelings you’re feeling.

    • Reply Christine September 9, 2016 at 4:29 pm

      LOL. So not a creeper comment Hil, and I think you are super hot too! You need to be EXTRA kind to yourself girl – you just pushed a tiny human from your loins girl!

  • Reply eav September 8, 2016 at 9:28 pm

    Honestly, this could be me writing this except that I have never been athletic and certainly not an athlete. But I know the feeling all too well of not accepting myself. Even though I know no one would ever say I am overweight, I am still so hard on myself.
    I have made progress though! Since last spring I have lost a bit of weight, been more active, and felt better. I hope one day I can love my body, but it is hard to imagine.

    • Reply Christine September 9, 2016 at 4:35 pm

      Thanks for sharing. I hate that so many of us seem to struggle with this still. I am working towards liking myself more and not comparing myself to a totally unrealistic goal (like all those annoying teens and 20 somethings who haven’t had kids yet at the pool lol). BEst of luck to you, it sounds like you are making some progress and that is awesome! 🙂

      • Reply eav September 9, 2016 at 9:05 pm

        Yes, comparison is like rot, it spreads and spreads if you let it. I have three beautiful children and I would rather have them and my diastasis recti than be without them with perfect abs. I wish that alone would make me happy with my body! In this case, thankfulness is the opposite of comparison.
        And thank you. I am making progress. Before this past summer I never thought I could run, but I have proven myself wrong and it’s an amazing feeling!

  • Reply Alison September 8, 2016 at 10:55 pm

    Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I am completely incapable of writing so it was strange to read in words, how I’ve felt most of my life. I think you look amazing C.

    • Reply Christine September 9, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      Hopefully we will all find peace with this at some point soon xoxo

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